Wow. It's been more than three months since my last post. I have been claiming busy-ness as my excuse for lack of blog update, but there is another, possibly more prominant reason. Growing up, my mommy always told me, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." Wise words on her part. So wise in fact that I repeatedly pass this nugget on to my own kids. The problem is, I have been waiting for three months to have something nice to say, and it's just not happening. So, in order to break my blog-less streak, and to appease my nagging readers (you know who you are), I have decided to break the nice code and just write the truth - the not so nice.
The truth is, I feel like me life is totally out of control right now. I have just finished an extremely difficult semester of school. My MS and Fibromyalgia medications ran out during Thanksgiving weekend and I am still wading through the red tape to get them reinstated. Not only that, but I have medical bills piling up, bills that should be covered by my insurance company but for some reason are getting turned down. I am TIRED. Without my meds to keep me awake I find myself falling asleep several times a day. Come to think of it, I can probably blame this for my unimpressive grades. It's difficult to write a coherent research paper when one is drooling on one's laptop. Talk about doing things the hard way.
And let's not forget the ......zzzzz...... Oops, sorry. I just nodded off. Anyway, let's not forget my "for the record" complaint: We are so busy! Full time military husband, full time student mom, and four kids with school, church, and extracurricular activities. People tell me they don't know how I do it, and I answer them, "I don't either." I'm pretty sure our schedule is physically impossible to keep up with, and yet I still try to. Talk about doing things the hard way.
Now imagine the toll this physical and emotional stress has taken on my relationships. Matt and I are more like verbal sparring partners than life partners. Neither of us can keep up with our work load so we look to each other for support, only to find we are looking into an endless mirrored image of our own demands. I cannot remember the last time I went out with a friend. Melissa? Stacy? Anyone? And worst of all, my relationship with God is on shaky ground. Talk about doing things the hard way.
I am tired. I am sore. My life is too busy. I may as well be marooned on Ascension Island without a cell phone for all the time I spend on relationships right now. So what's the big issue here? How do I get from where I am to where I should be?
My head answers clearly, jumping up and down with her hand waving in true brown-nosing fashion, "Read your Bible, pray, let the joy of the Lord be your strength."
"Easy for you to say," my heart answers back. Always the pessimist, my heart has trouble believing that which she cannot see.
I know that I am blessed with a husband who loves God and provides for his family. I know that I am blessed with four awesome kids. I know that we have a nice house and a full pantry. And yet I'm still tired. I'm still too busy. And right now God feels like one of those distant cousins that I have heard about but never got to know (until facebook came along - love you, Diane!).
I guess I just need me some Jesus time. The rest will fall into place. This I know from experience. And soon (hopefully) I will have something to share that is "nice," so I can speak without guilt.